And it happened right under my nose. I didn’t realize what was going on between her and her boyfriend, and I would not have found out if it were not for another kid, who witnessed him ripping a bedroom door off the hinges in a fit of rage, who managed to get word to me about what was going on.
Back in March, I started working on helping my daughter find her first apartment. She was so excited by the idea of getting her own place and living independently for the first time. I had just got my stimulus money, and so I used that and some money from my state tax refund to help her pay her first month’s rent and deposit on a cute little apartment in a complex that had a lot of other young people her age. I also paid the pet deposit for her so she could keep her cat, which was very important to her. I had to also sign the lease since she did not have any sort of credit history due to being so young. It was also within easy walking distance of grocery stores and other businesses she would have a need for in her everyday life. She did not have her license yet, and I wanted to make life a little easier for her just starting out. I also helped her buy some furniture and household items to get her started, and she used some of the money she had saved to buy herself some items from the local Restore. By the time we were done, she was nicely set up in her little apartment.
The only thing that bothered me at that point was that she wanted to let her 21 year old boyfriend live there too. I didn’t really care too much for that idea—I think 20 is a little young for a live in boyfriend, and they had only been seeing each other for 3 or 4 months. But she is an adult, and I did not want to seem like a pushy parent trying to stick my nose too far into her business, so I relented and agreed to add him to the lease. I should have seen the red flag right then and there—that he wanted to move in with her so soon, and also that the amount of the deposit was increased by $735 due to his credit. He lied to me about the reason for his bad credit—I learned yesterday that he actually had an eviction on his record for destroying the apartment he lived in with a previous girlfriend.
My daughter had a job working the front desk at a hotel at the time she moved in with her boyfriend. I had been giving her a ride to and from work most of the time, and occasionally he would give her a ride. She still did not have her driver’s license though she had her permit for about a year, and I had been pressuring her a bit to get her license so she would not need to depend on other people for a way to and from work, and I start taking her out driving whenever I could get a chance.
But it seemed like over time, it seemed like she didn’t want to go out practicing driving as much—she was out running around with her boyfriend all the time. I never thought that what was actually going on was that he was manipulating things so she would have less opportunity to talk to me or hang out with her friends. When she would tell me they had plans when I would want to visit her, I just chalked it up to a couple of young people trying to assert their independence. On the 4th of July, she told me that her boyfriend was talking about getting a van, and wanted them to live in that van travelling from place to place. I told her she better have a job she could do online and damn good satellite internet in that van—or she better win the lottery in order to live that lifestyle.
I never realized that he was trying to isolate her from her friends and family, and chillingly, he may have had even bigger plans to keep her away from the people who care about her by running off with her somewhere.
About a month ago, she quit her job at the hotel, which she had seemed to really like. Once they moved in together, her boyfriend starting taking her to and from work most of the time. When I asked her why she quit, she said it was because he had gotten a different job and his hours would overlap hers. I offered to start giving her a ride home again, but she said she had found a job within walking distance of her apartment, so once again, another clue that something wasn’t right slipped past me.
I told her she really, really needed to get her license so she would be free to work wherever she wanted. Last week I took her to take her driver’s exam, and she passed it, and got her license. I handed her the keys to the Dodge Neon. I think this probably sent him off the deep end this last week, since her having her own car and a license would take away one of the means he had of controlling her.
A few days ago, I got a call from the children’s dad, who I have been divorced from for years. He told me that a kid who lived nearby my daughter had contacted him and told him that my daughter’s boyfriend had been mistreating her, and that he witnessed him actually tearing a bedroom door off the hinges in a fit of rage. That every few days the whole neighborhood could hear them fighting down there. We decided that we needed to talk to her as soon as possible.
The next day she agreed to go out to lunch with me and him. I think she knew something was up because her dad and I never talk to each other any more. At first she was hesitant to talk too much. She told us he had hit her multiple times, and that he had even went to her work and assaulted her there, always being careful not to do it within range of any of the cameras. He finally made her quit her job because he was afraid she might go out with one of the guests at the hotel—and she had lied to me about getting another job. He made her say that in order to keep me from being suspicious.
He was also jealous of all of her friends from high school and even accused her of cheating on him with another girl she was friends with. He was constantly going through her phone and tablet, and insisted on listening in on her conversations with me or her dad. He pretty much wanted to monitor and control all of her interactions with other people.
He also took all her money, including her tax refund and the stimulus she got earlier in the year to use for himself. He only put in about $600 toward bills the entire time he was there—she had to spend her money the way he told her to in order to keep him from getting mad. It made him furious that the car was still in my name so he could not make her sell it.
I asked her why she didn’t tell us—she told me she was afraid he would hurt her or a member of the family if she told anyone—he had actually told her that if she or anybody else called the cops on him she would “have nothing left.”
We convinced her to go and talk to a lady from the local domestic violence shelter about her situation, and then afterward she agreed to go and get a protective order. I managed to help her get legal aid to help her, and she meets with the lawyer on Monday. The hearing for the protective order is on Wednesday. In the meantime, I went with her to the landlord and gave them a copy of the protective order and got them to change the locks on her apartment. They said that if the judge does not order him off the lease they are going to evict him anyway.
She spent the night with me for a few nights, and last night after they changed the locks she went back to her apartment. When we walked in the door, we found that he had totally trashed the place—the brand new bed I had bought her when she moved in was destroyed—he broke the frame tossing it around, left a big dent on the wall, and soaked the mattress with water. He busted the screen to her TV and destroyed some of the dishes in the kitchen, and threw a bunch of the food in the fridge all over the kitchen and dining area.
Worst of all, he cut two of the tires on the car, and it looks like he may have put sugar in the gas tank judging from the fact there was sugar on the ground near where the compartment where the gas cap is located. Luckily, we did not run the engine—the cop who did the police report happened to notice the sugar on the ground. It rained last night, and would have perhaps washed that evidence away before we noticed it. Still, before she can use the car the gas tank is going to have to be flushed out at the very least, and she will need two new back tires.
My daughter is 20 years old, and here she is, having to put up with this stupid misogynistic bullshit. I am angry as hell. I spent some time as a volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, and I should have seen the signs, but I did not. That boy managed to manipulate her so well and hide what he was doing so that even I did not see.
Parents, if your young adult child seems to distance themselves for no reason, don’t be stupid like me. Even if they might think you are meddling, pay attention and ask questions. Probably, they are just going through the normal process of become independent adults. But they could also be like my daughter—I realize now that maybe I I should not have fought my inner urges in order to keep from being an overprotective parent.
In the meantime, I am trying to help my daughter come up with money to fix the car, replace her household items, cover the cost of damage to the apartment, and cover her bills coming up on the 1st of the month. I am hoping the shelter has some resources for her. She also needs a job—but we have to fix the car because it probably isn’t safe for her to be out walking right now.
I am estimating right now that we are looking at needing around $3500 to repair the car and the damage to the apartment, replace her bed, TV, and household items, and pay her bills for next month till she can safely get another job. I don’t know how much the shelter will be able to help her with—it is highly unlikely they will be able to cover all of it. I may have to set up a gofundme for her, I guess, as much as I hate to do this. In the meantime, if anyone here can spare a little to help her in the meantime we would appreciate any help for her we can get. My oldest daughter will allow us to use her business paypal account so we can give her any money immediately. Her paypal is hotaruhana2@gmail.com.
Also, if anyone knows of any financial resources that might help her this would be greatly appreciated as well. And most of all, thank you all for reading. I can’t show the kids how upset I am right now—my daughter needs to feel protected and reassured right now.
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